J. Beaman - The Magazine

Those of you who know me well know that I actually don’t go home with girls very often. I keep them at arms length, flirty and fun, but going home alone is one of the many keys to my happiness. I love waitresses this way. It’s their job to flirt and I happily indulge. I flirt with my friend Annie. Fuck, I flirt with Oliver and Josh and Henri. It’s harmless and awesome because all of them know that I don’t want to fuck them. And it’s always more fun that way. I also love this about little girls (you can get self righteous about it if you want but you would clearly misunderstand my meaning). They are fun and flirty and charming with no misunderstanding. I have a new best friend and her name is Victoria.

The line of the night: TiaRe (pronounced chia-hey - Tia meaning Aunt and Re short for Regina) shouts from the back room, “Jay! Jay! Victoria wants you to come watch her in the bath!” As much as I may love to hear that from a lover or some random Brasiliera and have a night of passion and lusty nonsense; I would take the simple giggles and games and Portuguese lessons from Victoria anytime.

I’m going to the burrito truck for a tasty burrito from a truck. Girls are a pain, sex is fun but overrated and I have good housemates. I would date a christian girl if she were extraordinary but I don’t think I would date a girl in AA.

I said to my housemate, Ann, this morning, “I know you’re not an elitist, Ann, but I am (an elitist) and I’m telling you - You are the elite.”

I pass this onto you. You know who you are.

And now I’m rolling around with someone at work, who I really really like, and all the girls at work read the blog and other girls I went out on dates with read the blog (some that I really like but not really really like) and

Oh, it’s gonna get dark.

Sage advice from my best ex-girlfriend and best current superhero, super-beauty, super-underemployed girlyfriend:

And you should not write about the girls you date on your blog, that is if you’re going to tell them to read your blog. Girls are at the same time self obsessed and insecure (and when I say “girls” what I really mean is “all people”). They will Always take it the wrong way.