America? Why you gotta do me like that?
I went to the clothes store this morning to get some clothes for my new job. New job. My new job. I picked out a bunch of shirts (I have to wear black shirts at my new job. Kind of a bummer but at least I can grow that Dan Haggerty beard back) and walked into the dressing room to try them on. The dressing room with it’s big fucking mirror. I’ve always thought that you look prettier if you don’t look in mirrors but here I was, shirtless, looking at myself in this big fucking mirror. I knew that I had gained some weight but wasn’t really sure how much but here we were with some irrefutable evidence. A fat ass (or belly, as it were) looking back at me.
Here’s the numbers:
In the spring of 2007 I was 275lbs (125kgs - for the Brazilians). At 6′1″ (185.4cm). That’s fat. Obese. No matter how you parse it. I didn’t really care because I loved food and beer and the lord and didn’t really want to live forever. So there. Well, I cared sometimes and I would try to lose weight lamely and always fail. And then, in the spring of 2007 I thought to myself, “Dude. It’s super easy. Light exercise and portion control. You’re active so you don’t really have to do much there. Just eat less. Eat whatever you want, just eat less of it. And do a cost benefit analysis of everything you eat. Is this fucking worth it?”
Bricka bracka firecracker sis boom bah!
By spring 2008, after one year of the patented J. Beaman diet of “is this fucking worth it?” I was down to 215lbs (98kgs). A net loss of 60lbs (27kgs). And it continued to be easy. I spent some time in Brazil and hovered between 215lbs (98kgs) and 225lbs (102kgs). No biggie. Awesome.
But, fuck you, America. I’ve been back for 2 1/2 months and I’m up to 245lbs (111kgs). It’s been a hard 2 1/2 months, I know, but this is a huge bummer. Or an opportunity, as Steve Blanton would say, for spiritual growth. But, seriously, fuck you, America. I’m blaming you with your sneaky bullshit and your delicious candy bars and your sour cream and guacamole and your braised meats and pizza and hamburgers. Oh, hamburgers. You’re so tasty but so fucking evil. I will not be lured back into fatlandia. I will not allow it.
I’m going to be back to 215lbs (98kgs) before I return to Brazil at the end of August. Maybe I’ll go on a fast. Fasts are like temporary anorexia but you don’t have to feel guilty about it because you learned about it in Yoga class.
i just imagined a diet book with you on the cover (and the patented name, obvs) and it made me giggle.
seriously, though, “is this fucking worth it?” is the most effective (and still healthy!) diet out there. i live by it too.
Sooooo true on the fasts issue.
I’m no good at the “is this fucking worth it?” diet, though. Because in the moment, when the burger is sitting there in front of me, it’s sooooo worth it. The next morning it might not be, but then by the time I’m at brunch, it’s worth it again.
So now I will go to the gym and pretend like I’m solving my problems for thirty minutes.
Then I will order some pad Thai and drink beers while watching Super Troopers.
Fasting rocks. When we were at the American consulate in Rio, waiting for hours, I read an article in a New Yorker from around the time of the Crusades about this fasting retreat in the Mohave desert or something, pay 4 grand to not eat for two weeks, but at least you get all the colon cleansings your heart (or ass) desires. Groovy.
I fail the “is this fucking worth it?” test every goddamn day. The near constant flow of booze certainly doesn’t help my resolve either though.
I need to learn this loving food beer and the lord thing.
I fast all the time and it makes me hungry. master cleanse. no food ten days
I liked the part when you said you’re coming in August! Come have a diet with us!!!
Confess: if straight girls suddenly adopted the bear fad you wouldn’t be worrying a bit…
I miss you fatty.
Update: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/26/health/26weight.html
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J. Beaman is practically unemployed, living is brazil and loves the new Antony & the Johnsons record.
I like:
a. books
b. girls
c. rock and roll
d. being insensitive to religious folks
e. food and wine
f. restaurants
g. waitresses
I do not like:
a. religious people
b. reality TV
c. the Garden State Soundtrack
d. Vermont
e. astrology
f. vegans (and to a lesser extent vegetarians)
g. so many other things
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