J. Beaman - The Magazine

Or, Why Spain is awesome.

1.

Idealists are also bullies. The idealist says, “I care more about the redwood trees than you do. I care so much I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. It broke up my marriage. And because I care more than you do, I’m a better person. And because I’m the better person, I have the right to boss you around.”

Get a pair of bolt cutters and liberate that tree.

2.

All politics stink. Even democracy stinks. Imagine if our clothes were selected by the majority of shoppers, which would be teenage girls. I’d be standing here with my bellybutton exposed. Imagine deciding the dinner menu by family secret ballot. I’ve got three kids and three dogs in my family. We’d be eating Froot Loops and rotten meat.

3.

Well, I am here to advocate for unfairness. I’ve got a 10-year-old at home. She’s always saying, “That’s not fair.” When she says this, I say, “Honey, you’re cute. That’s not fair. Your family is pretty well off. That’s not fair. You were born in America. That’s not fair. Darling, you had better pray to God that things don’t start getting fair for you.

From his ‘Commencement advice you’re unlikely to hear elsewhere’ article in the LA Times.

Thanks Josh. Confused? Check out this

For serious, there’s some original content coming soon on here. I’m working on a history of the kibbutz (for gentiles) and, related, a fun list (with etymology!) of yiddish words used in english and some book reports. In the meantime, people jumping on swings!

And, pictures of other people’s parties from Flickr

Ran across a website were people send in emails and IM’s from their mothers. It’s touching and sappy and I’m eating it up. Some Sadness. I could read these things all day. It was not my intention to spend the morning a little weepy, reading cheesy letters from moms but here I am, Saturday morning, like a motherfucker. Here are some highlights.

me: hi mom
mom: hi pookie…i just booked tickets for zumanity. miss you
me: What is zumanity?
mom: it is a very erotic show that explores sexuality.
hopefully dad will enjoy it
lol
it is at new york new york where we are staying
me: oh dear lord
does dad know about this?
mom: yeah….it explores gay stuff too
he he
he shold be ok…there are boobs in it
too
zumanity.com
me: well i can’t click on that right now because i’m at work
mom: oh…maybe later then

————————

Do not say wamp wamp. It is meaningless and vulgar!!

is it supposed to have a meaning??

Love, Mummy

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In other news, your father asked me this morning if he could borrow my nasal irrigator. I got very excited, thinking he was being pro-active in fighting the cold that’s got him sniffling non-stop already. Turns out he just wanted to use the irrigator to inject jelly into the croissants he was baking. I could write a fucking book.

I’ve got to buckle down now and read this new script.

XXOO
MA

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I’m just as excited as you about Peru! Just PLEASE don’t fall in love with an Inca Indian. It’s hard enough planning a NYC wedding, never mind a different continent!
Good idea to check with Health Services re Hep A.

SUMMER IS COMING!!!! Love, Mom

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I also love you and I don’t mean to be “mean and horrible every single day.” I am not defending myself - obviously I am offending and hurting you, but I just wonder if you are being a bit hyperbolic about the extent of my meanness? I guess I am thinking that if I am as awful as you allege, you should probably divorce me.

Mom

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Mom: Why don’t you marry your friend Caroline, she can have a baby. Your brother could be the donor so it would be my real grandchild. It would be your neice or nephew as well as your son or daughter.
Me: Wow it appears you’ve put some thought into this.
Mom: it came to me last night, I thought it was an awesome idea. run my idea by Caroline I’ll even pay for the psychiatrist the kid will need one day.