J. Beaman - The Magazine

Girls are the all the same–which is to say crazy.

Now, first, I’m crazy too. On a bad day I have pity for the woman foolish enough to be attracted to me (or love me…christ). On a good day, of course, my boyfriendablity is the envy of the world; um…or…I’m a pretty good guy who tells the truth (mostly) and tries to be full of, you know, internet personals qualities like kind, caring, empathetic, good sense of humor, don’t take no shit. All I’m saying is, I don’t think I’m special or different from the crazy women. I just don’t have to date myself. Good? So, now we may continue.

I used to think that girls fell into three categories. Now these categories only apply to girls that I actually have had some sort of relationship with–the girls who aren’t into me or that I’m not into may fall into one of these categories but just with some other dude.

Category 1: I love you after 10 days crazy.

Category 2: I can’t date you even though I want to because [insert complicated excuse here] crazy.

Category 3: Not crazy.

First off, Category 1 is the worst. It starts out ok but soon enough the fawning starts and you have on your hands a full blown weak-willed, obsequious, “I love you.” Ugh. Run like a motherfucker.

Second, Category 3 does not exist.We are all fucked up.

So, that leaves Category 2 and that just won’t do. Is that the only option? No way.

This requires the addition of a new category.

Category 2.5: Life is fucking hard sometimes and relationships (with anyone: parents, lovers, jesus) are the hardest and I’ll be good goddamned if I get caught up in [insert biggest relationship fear here] again but we’ll give it a go and I’ll try not to be crazy if you promise to try not to be crazy and just fucking chill for god’s sake, crazy.

Yeah, that works.

Maybe the key to not being crazy is realizing that we’re all a little crazy and just accepting it. Or maybe even embracing it. But let’s not get carried away.

L. is probably a 2.5.

We’ll see.