I have a crush on Amy Boone. Amy is in the Damnations and is more famous than me and more attractive and more talented. Maybe that’s why I have a crush on her. I was talking to a friend of hers about my crush and he said, “I’ve had a crush on Amy for 10 years and I’ve even been drunk enough to tell her a few times. She is everything you could ever want in a woman. So enigmatic, charming, creative. If I had a million dollars and you knew how to get Amy, I would give it to you.”

I like having crushes. Especially crushes that have little hope of fruition. Or none. I don’t really want to date Amy; I just want to have a crush on her. If you keep a crush a crush then it never gets spoiled by reality. The reality is that she might be lame or dumb or bitchy. I know that she is none of those things. Amy is perfect and wonderful.

My crush says so.