The view from Bar Bocaiúva. I miss you, Bolinho de Carne. I miss you, Marta.

Every single place in California that is not the coast or the mountains is Sacramento.  Fremont?  Sacramento.  Bakersfield?  Sacramento.  Riverside?  Sacramento.  I’ll give you Oakland and Berkeley but only just.

If I say you’re from Sacramento it’s because I think you’re lame.

See you in church.

I went to the clothes store this morning to get some clothes for my new job.  New job.  My new job.  I picked out a bunch of shirts (I have to wear black shirts at my new job.  Kind of a bummer but at least I can grow that Dan Haggerty beard back) and walked into the dressing room to try them on.  The dressing room with it’s big fucking mirror.  I’ve always thought that you look prettier if you don’t look in mirrors but here I was, shirtless, looking at myself in this big fucking mirror.  I knew that I had gained some weight but wasn’t really sure how much but here we were with some irrefutable evidence.  A fat ass (or belly, as it were) looking back at me.

Here’s the numbers:

In the spring of 2007 I was 275lbs (125kgs - for the Brazilians).  At 6′1″ (185.4cm).  That’s fat.  Obese.  No matter how you parse it.  I didn’t really care because I loved food and beer and the lord and didn’t really want to live forever.  So there.  Well, I cared sometimes and I would try to lose weight lamely and always fail.  And then, in the spring of 2007 I thought to myself, “Dude.  It’s super easy.  Light exercise and portion control.  You’re active so you don’t really have to do much there.  Just eat less.  Eat whatever you want, just eat less of it.  And do a cost benefit analysis of everything you eat.  Is this fucking worth it?”

Bricka bracka firecracker sis boom bah!

By spring 2008, after one year of the patented J. Beaman diet of “is this fucking worth it?”  I was down to 215lbs (98kgs).  A net loss of 60lbs (27kgs).  And it continued to be easy.  I spent some time in Brazil and hovered between 215lbs (98kgs) and 225lbs (102kgs).  No biggie.  Awesome.

But, fuck you, America.  I’ve been back for 2 1/2 months and I’m up to 245lbs (111kgs).  It’s been a hard 2 1/2 months, I know, but this is a huge bummer.  Or an opportunity, as Steve Blanton would say, for spiritual growth.  But, seriously, fuck you, America.  I’m blaming you with your sneaky bullshit and your delicious candy bars and your sour cream and guacamole and your braised meats and pizza and hamburgers.  Oh, hamburgers.  You’re so tasty but so fucking evil.  I will not be lured back into fatlandia.  I will not allow it.

I’m going to be back to 215lbs (98kgs) before I return to Brazil at the end of August.  Maybe I’ll go on a fast.  Fasts are like temporary anorexia but you don’t have to feel guilty about it because you learned about it in Yoga class.

All you people who constantly ask for me music are now required to listen to this for one week at least 2 hours per day and make a list of all the things you love and then I’ll help you out.

The rest of you should just listen to it all the time.

Left as Rain